Tomorrow

If I turned off my mental radio and stopped, just stopped… If I stopped and really thought about it all, I would most likely burst into tears.

crying-girl

I would burst into tears like some sort of overly pampered priss, while flailing about in an impotent rage. Rage in all that has passed, and in all that has not. All that has fallen apart, and all that has stubbornly stayed put. I would mourn the death of innocence in two young lives, and the two open doors that I could not walk through alone and, as such, could not walk through at all. I would weep over the pile of bodies that 2012 is leaving behind, and the swath of aborted dreams that were mowed down throughout its three hundred and sixty five days and nights.

So to avoid this, I will not turn my mental radio off. I will instead keep the cacophony at ear-deafening volumes, while I snuggle my mind deep within the distraction and cool warmth of its noise. I will keep my rage directed towards nonsensical things, things hardly deserving the sort of hate to be bestowed upon them. And I will do so in the hopes that in so doing I can slowly bleed it out, run it dry. Empty myself of the stuff in order to fill the newly open void with something better. Something positive.

Before I do so however, I would simply like to add:

2013, I am ready for a fresh start. Please Jesus, please – I am ready for Tomorrow.

9/21 Dear Jesus

Howdy Jesus,

i know, it’s been awhile. Sorry ’bout that. Shall we pretend that i’m here to “just chat” for a bit first, or should we jump right to the “i need you to do something for me again” part instead?

Soooo,

i have a very dear friend whom i’ve never actually met (in the olden days, we would have been called “pen pals” – and i like the sound of that very much – even if our pen-palling is of the social networking type, it does add an air of nostalgic class to the whole thing) who is going through a very hard time right now. Due in part to the distance that lies between us, all i can offer her during this time are long-distance hugs, words of encouragement and advice and, of course, my prayers.

Now you know as well as i that long-distance hugs – those of the ((((hugs)))) variety – can be sent en mass, 30 an hour on the hour, and not a single one of them will ever actually embrace the recipient. Never mind the fact that the more often they’re sent, the less authentic they seem to be.

Words are of course just that, and there is not a single one – either of encouragement or advice – that will ever be usable as the kind of hard currency that is normally needed to “pay the bills, dahlin’.”

And prayers, well i suppose they might mean more if my pen pal wasn’t an atheist. To her, i imagine my saying something along the lines of “you’ll be in my prayers” would be somewhat akin to me sending her (((Jesus hugs))).

(((Jesus Hugs!)))

And while you might recommend that i also¬†send along pictures of cats hanging from laundry cords – their bodies ready to crush the phrase “Hang in there kitten!”, should the strength of their paws fail them – i’ve already been forewarned as to the ineffectiveness of this type of “don’t worry, be happy” approach…

So there it is. Short and (not so) sweet. Powerless once again, yet for whatever it’s worth, prayerful still. i only hope you’ll do me a solid and agree to be my “Silent Partner” in helping her out.¬†Thanks, and of course…

(((hugs)))