I’m SO glad I finally “balled-up” enough to join in with this group, and including this intro, I believe I’m more than maxing the 500-word count allowable for this week’s Write On Edge challenge.
Please click the link above to learn more about the prompt and the community, and as always, I hope you enjoy…
Watching him zip up the last of the three bags he’d hastily thought to pack, she became further irritated as he tried to compress its contents – with one shaky knee held hard against the fabric lid – while fiddling with the steel slider which protested loudly as he tugged it along the plastic teeth that were its mate. Timing it to where the entire endeavor appeared to be at its most fruitless, she waited before asking snidely, “So that’s it? You’re leaving then?”
Wha? Oh. Yeah.
“Just like that?”
Yes.
“Just ‘poof,’ and you’re gone?”
For God’s sake, YES! Why?
“She’s not going to be waiting for you, you know.”
She will.
“She won’t.”
She might.
Emboldened by his moment of caution and pause, she leapt forward unmindful into the din of her verbal castration of him, stressing, “Listen. There is nothing waiting for you out there anyway. You know that, right?”
There’s nothing waiting for me here either.
“Oh yeah? What about your career?”
Not for nothing, but I’m fairly certain that they have those where I’m going as well…
“What about the house?”
It’s not in my name anymore – it’s not my house anymore. It’s… it’s not my home.
“And what about me? What about your poor mother?”
Well. I’m sure the ole girl will understand. I’m sure you’ll get it, why I need to do this… Maybe some day.
“Well don’t be so certain of that. And what about the children? What about your children?”
Having finally secured the zipper – now groaning under its newfound charge of keeping all the baggage safely contained within, he sat back for a moment and wiped his haggled brow before almost whispering, and almost to himself, “Yes, there is them. That’s true.”
What…?
“I said that yes, there is that to contend with.”
See? You can’t leave. You need them.
“I do. But don’t you see? I sleep alone every night, while they sleep in the same house as her latest fling. No, they’ve already been taken from me. A long time ago. And besides, they’re almost adults now themselves.”
You can’t leave. I won’t let you. They need you.
“You know what? I’ve always told them that we’d all someday get out of this dump. I just never thought that I’d be the first to make the break. They do need me, but they need me to continue to lead by example. I think I’m doing the right thing here.”
She’s not going to be waiting for you, you know.
“She might.”
She won’t.
Rising on steady legs, he casually pulled the over-stuffed, yet self-contained third bag from the floor, and slung it across his back. Ignoring the still-protesting zipper as he did so, his step matched his smile as he strode enlivened towards the front door and the gate that lay beyond it, while saying much more to himself then to anyone within earshot, “She will.”
•••
“She might.”
“She will.”
Wonderful expression of freedom to make choices. I enjoyed this t~
I’m so glad you liked it k~! I had hoped you would, as this was my first honest foray into following your advise of attempting to build “body” into the story by accompanying the dialogue with a bit of narrative as well.
And you are one fast learner! (not like I had any doubt at all mind you). It really was a good read. :-)
=)
Dialogue can be difficult but you nailed it! It flows like a good argument should. You always have a good voice for your characters and this is no different. I like.
Thank you so much Deb – I truly appreciate your “hearing” the voices =)
It worries me a little if I’m hearing your voices. LOL! My muse definitely needed more than a shin kicking.
You should be VERY worried… :-)
This was a little painful to read… made me wonder if there was a similar dialogue when my parents split. Very honest and real.
A little painful to write. I almost pulled the part about his children now living with the fling all together, in fact.
In my case, I was the one living with a father and his young fling. Even all these years later, it troubles me that my decision to stay at my high school instead of moving with my mom, hence the living arrangements, brought additional pain to my mom.
As you know, I usually (not sure if I’m supposed to or not?), pull a touch of “real life” into my fiction. So I can tell you, as the parent living childless and fling-free, I would never begrudge my three staying where they are, for the betterment of their own lives. I’m certain that your mom would feel the same <3
Thank you for that. <3
My pleasure. I thought you should know.
The dialogue was true-to-life. And the ending is very strong. “She will.”
The actual formatting of the dialogue made it hard to follow for me, but I’m a traditionalist and am used to a certain format. :-)
Thank you Roxanne – and I apologize – sometimes I get too far into my head, and as a result, I had her voice in quotations, until the halfway mark, where his voice became the one in quotes. I did this in an attempt to signify who had the upper-hand, conversationally, during the tit-for tat.
I loved the way you used dialogue, and I really hope she will be waiting for him. LM x
We’ll see Lyssa – and thanks =)
My stars. I loved this.
If you run shy, let me know, and I’ll gladly loan you some of my stars as well, so you can love it more =)
:) xx
Absolutely put some real life in your fiction…that’s how this works. Our heart and emotion have to be a part of it. I also LOVE the Brave video you attached..it fit this piece well. I truly felt the battle going on, inside and out. I understand it as well.
Thank you Terry – it’s good to know that there are like-minded people out there, and I hope that you arise victorious in your own battles.