In Memorium – The Musical

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I suppose we all think of ourselves as DJ’s from time to time, but I want to make it clear, some of us at one point actually were.

Though I never heard him spin, I know Kir’s brother was. And though I never met him – nor his sister – I do know that we lost someone wonderful when he left us late last year. Kir is a dear friend, one who has shown me over my own past trials that no matter what is done to you, there are still people around who are worth trusting. People around worth loving.

The following playlist, like all of the ones that are being submitted for this weeks volume of Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday, is dedicated to Ben Kovaleski. A man loved by those who knew him, and missed by even those who did not. Kir, I hope you don’t mind, but for my mix, in lieu of proper “dance music,” I stuck with the songs I used whenst a DJ. Those that had beats light and airy, those (regardless of their actual lyrical content) most full of life, and therefore liable to get the kids to the floor. They were the beats I first thought of when thinking of Ben and you.

I hope you enjoy.

To you and yours, Peace, Benny Beats.

Playing With Love

This is it, my secret clubhouse! Now you’ll know the whole of me…!

Copyright-Dawn Q. Landau

Copyright-Dawn Q. Landau

This?

Yes, this!

Seems a bit worn down. Useless.

Well, I’m not certain about that, and it IS mine.

All yours?

All mine!

I think I’ll take it. Yeah, I want it. It’s mine.

But I was only sharing. I wasn’t actually offering…

I don’t care about that. I want it. I own it now.

But… I loved it.

You shoulda kept it secret then. Like I did all my loves.

But I already gave you everything…

Yeah, well you’ll think better next time now, won’t ya?

•••

As the above may (in my usual convoluted and overly dramatic fashion) indicate, this will be my last foray into the Friday Fictioneers clubhouse.

I would really like to thank Rochelle and the rest of my fellow Fictioneers for the support and sense of family that you’ve provided me with while we’ve been together.

I’ll miss you – God Speed.

Lose This Skin.

Admittedly, Eustace was a prig.

But of all of the Narnia characters, he is my favorite. And not simply because he’s allowed me the opportunity to finally use the word “prig” in a post either.

No, of all the characters, Eustace is my favorite because he was transformed. And unlike Edmund, he did so without even the promise of a greater good to come in the process. There was no talk of a future crown or a greater glory for Eustace, but he saw the need, and transformed anyway.

He did so shortly after his old ways had turned him rather abruptly into a dragon.

Assuming you haven’t read the tale (and if not, you really should), Eustace found some dragon’s loot, and in stealing a piece, he in turn became a fire breather himself when he placed it upon his wrist. His new dragon arm was much thicker than the previous boyish version, and as a result the bewitched gold could not be removed. He was stuck. Forevermore to be cursed – and alone – with his new dragon persona. As so often happens in the Narnia tales, Aslan came along and – after a bit of earnest and deserved begging from Eustace – saved him by stripping all the dragon flesh from the boy. But only after first commanding the boy to do so himself several times instead (a task that the boy tries and ultimately fails at, in each and every instance).

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Of all seven of the books in the Narnian Chronicles, this is the singular scene that spoke to me the most. So much so in fact, that several years ago I found myself beginning to pray that I too might have the good pleasure of having my scales removed. You see, I knew that who I was, wasn’t who I was. And I knew that there was something greater within – something more true, more inline with the creation that He envisioned when first He crafted me. Of course, much like the book, I imagined that there would be a moment of pain, a tear of the flesh causing a tear to the eye, and then I would be provided with great big (((Jesus hugs))) before bounding merrily upon my new and improved way.

None of that happened though.

What did happen was this. First I buried my father. And then my brother’s marriage. And then I heard that I would have to do the same with my marriage as well. And then the children, The Little Things, who were in our protection had to be removed from my care as a result. And then I lost daily contact with my own children, as they stayed with their mother while I moved out. And then (and this is no small matter to people who care) my cat died. And then, in early December, I found myself restructured rather abruptly (the 3rd, at 11:02 AM, to be precise) into the world of unemployment. And finally, that resulted in me losing my car, my family health insurance coverage and my financial security. Never mind any falsetto self-worth I had foolishly built up along the way based upon these superficial achievements.  And that is where I am now.

And it dawns on me… All the scales have been removed.

All the dragon flesh has been stripped from me. I am raw, in tears, naked and pink. I received what I prayed for, I just never realized the immensity of what it was that I wished. I am sore, and scared, and at times feeling (though I know it’s not true) terribly alone. And although there have oft been times when I simply felt the urge to go to Sleep, I am filled with the promise of a wholly new being emerging. One who will be loved by those who love without condition or expectation. Finally, and for the first time in 44 years, a “me” that is one of my own making instead of others begs to come forth. A “me” that will hopefully come closer to fulfilling the beauty of the creation that He envisioned when first He crafted me.

Who Am I?

I’ve no idea.

But just between you, me and all these discarded, hard shorn and useless scales, I simply can not wait to finally find out.

•••

This post was created in response to my Life as it stands, and to the prompt provided us by the beautiful people over at The Blogging Lounge.