Chances…

This post will most likely suck. I apologize in advance.

I’m sitting here in my favorite skirt, struggling. Not with the skirt of course, but with the subject matter for this week’s Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday.

You see, today we are to sing The Song Spiritual, but the last two years have left me feeling anything but. I have seen the death of family, the death of friends, the death of beliefs, the death of dreams, the death of love and the death of a life I had struggled to build for seventeen years.

And then again, there’s that damned skirt. Sitting right in front of me, wrapped securely round me. That one stupid piece of fabric that reminds me too, of a life new. Of new beginnings and discoveries. Of the chance to finally be the person that I was always supposed to be – the person I’ve always been too fear-filled to be.

What does all this have to do with spirituality? Nothing I suppose. And everything. It’s a topic I could literally spend hours on, as it’s the only one that I think matters at the end. All love, desire and need grows from it. And no matter the God or not that you attribute it to, it resides in all of us. It IS us, as we are it.

“So then what songs make the queue, t?” Again, I’m struggling. They all should. Music is the language of the angels – it’s how we speak to the Spirit. Whether we scream or coo, raise our fist or gently caress, music is how we converse with the Divine. As such, and just for today, I will dig very deep and I will try to show you my spirit in song. The spirit of who I thought I was, who I wanted to be…

The spirit of whom I struggle with being right now…

And the spirit of whom I hope I might someday still be.

•••

mixtape-jenkehl1-300x300

Again, I apologize for the high probability of this post sucking, and as I see that I’ve left you all in a slump of sorts, all mopey-eyed and possibly-despondent, I will provide you with this for your bonus track. It’s the me that sometimes exists, after I’ve walked my Pride & Joys back to their mother’s for the night, and I’m left to my own dancing devices, alone again with only that damned piece of fabric wrapped round my waist, and my personal conversation to be had with the Divine…

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30 thoughts on “Chances…

  1. Does not suck. Thank you for this intimate peek into your daily struggles. As long as you keep the faith, that’s all that matters.

    This mixed tape tuesday intrigues me. I’m struggling with a superhero story, so maybe some tunes is what I need.

    • No matter what your struggle, tunes will ALWAYS help, m’dear!

      I’m sorry I was absent from Master Class this week – I just could not find the time nor the spirit (get it???) to do you proud :(

      • I do, and because attendance was low, I’m reopening the link up for the weekend, so if you wanna, you can ty to get something in. I’ve missed you.

  2. sigh
    Whacks you with the fry-pan for doing what you do not want to do and for apologizing for not seeking ‘our’ approval. Put some romantical music with all of it and you’ve got an excellent wallow going on. (gives you that one rather dirty looking furry eyebrow on a stick look–you know, the one you LOVE ever so much, you’d be lost without it) I just keep thinking about all of the types of scenery a person keeps around them. Sometimes this is expressing, and sometimes it’s impressing. I have my own digestive salivation going on over what I hope to express and hope to think about this topic, both for myself and for what occurs when I watch you doing it, and then I watch what you say about it. I never sometimes know how you might take it…and then I say it anyways. For the most part, I don’t think you’d have it any other way. If you would, I trust you to tell me so, literally and clearly, as that understanding is all about experience, perspective, and executive function and maybe, not always so much about expectations of hearing nor feeling caring within them.

    I want slacks that don’t make me itch or die. I want them to be comfy at all times, regardless of the intestinal and uterine situation in any moment. I want them to have crisp creases–and of course I do NOT want to iron those in. I also really wish a barber would fix my hair.

    Fine, I am jealous about the skirt too, though perhaps I might actually SEE it first to be sure it is worth my inner passion. (affixes a key to the hem)

    Back to decorating, clearing, and blessing I go.

    • Elisa, I love you. Frying pan and all. And no, I WOULDN’T have it any other way <3

      I'll be sure to message you a picture of the skirt – rest assured, it's rather pedestrian (what??? I needed it to be able to work with a lot of different prints!)

      Thanks for straight-and narrowing me once again, with your internet-win =)

  3. all your choices are GOOD ones if they feel that way in your heart. I didn’t think anything about this sucked. None at all. I think that finding your way is a truly, truly beautiful journey and gift.

    XO

  4. Heard Somebody live a month or so ago. Very touching….painful and beautiful at the same time. And Cher is an anthem creator, so pull up your skirt and do a celebratory dance. Cause life is hard, but it’s also good. You just have to find that silver lining (whatever it may be) and not let it go!

  5. dude! I am totally secure enough to know when I’m out of my league, with these (preceding) Commentationers! Damn! (musically-speaking this is comparable to being back in the days of playing in a band and someone sits in and you just turn down the volume on your instruments and smile and listen…)
    ..good to see you back on the circuit, yo

  6. What Clark said. You know I love you for doing this mix even though it clearly put you out of your comfort zone. Which is ironic because of two things. I picked the topic then realized it was outside my comfort zone and 2 – the topic you picked was outside a lot of other people’s comfort zone. What goes around comes around? But really. Sometimes working through things with music is good, sometimes it’s not because we wind up wallowing. I hope you did not wallow. I think you are amazing and brave and I am more and more impressed with how much you open up every week I see you.

    • Wow Jen. Thank you. Thank you very much =)

      And I PROMISE – I will try very hard to make the time to read the other entries tomorrow – honest n’ true, dear.

  7. “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll find peace.’ Spirit says ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.”
    – Marianne Williamson

    “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”!
    XO

    • Beautiful Lotta – thank you =)

      In my version, Ego says “Are you REALLY going out in that?” and Spirit says, “Why? Does it make me look fat?” And then Ego says, “Well, no. But you see, it’s sort of a skirt, you see…” and Spirit jumps right back with, “And WHAT? A man can’t wear a skirt now???” And then Ego sheepishly responds with, “Well no, I mean yes – but you haven’t even shaved your legs. It’s just grody!”

      Because, as we all know, Ego still thinks using the word “grody” is cool.

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