Little Things

There has been something I’ve been struggling with about telling you. It’s a subject that those of you who have been following along for a while now, will know everything about. And those of you who have been following along since around 3/21/13, will not. I was still on the fence about discussing this subject, until The Daily Post begged us today to talk about Little Things.

You see, as a result of the recent life changes that have been tossing me about (again, if you’ve begun following only since late March, you’ll just have ask the person seated next to you what I’m speaking of, because you’ll no longer find any mention of it here), there was one final – and heartbreaking – decision that had to be made.

The children we were tasked with caring for, while their mother got back on her feet, were no longer best served by living in our house. We – I – had to let them go. As was the case before we initially brought them in, I once again asked my kids their opinion, and ensured that we were all first in agreement. The little ones were slated to be reunited with their mom in June anyway, but that in no way made the decision – nor the subsequent call to Child Protective Services – any easier.

I explained the current situation, and broke down slightly, apologizing while saying we were going to have to back out. The case worker was very kind in thanking us for everything we had already done (especially considering there was no kinship involved), and said that she would be happy to try to get the children relocated promptly.

As fate would have it, of all the life tossing going on just now, this solitary item may have turned out to be the one blessing in disguise; as it was determined that instead of placing them anew, the children would simply be reunited with their mom (who is doing well) earlier than anticipated.

So they are gone now, and out of my life. Most likely forever.

After we had packed their lives into the over-sized pickup truck that their mother’s friend trundled into our driveway and had seen them on their way, Ian (my youngest) and I retreated to the house where I, in an extraordinary feat of extreme manhood, fell to the bed weeping. Ian, being just about one of the most empathetic people I know, softly patted my back and in response to my moan of being sorry that I was failing everyone, said simply and calmly, “daddy, you are not failing anyone.”

I hope he’s right. And I hope that these two little things – these two precious and beautiful little things who invaded my life for almost a year, and opened my eyes to a whole different world – will never be overlooked again. Not by their mother nor the system sworn to protect them.

I still don’t know what it was all about – us taking them in, that is – or if it helped in the least that we did. And please don’t tell me blindly that it will all just be worth it in the end. There hasn’t been one soul yet who has been able to make me buy that line. I have a sort of a “Now just what were You thinking?” finger wag list that I’m compiling, and when I do meet God, “whatever became of these two little things” will be one of the questions pretty damned high up on that list.

Yamil and Delilah, I know you’ll never see this. But I want you to know that I hope you have fond memories of your time with us. I hope that God continues to bless you on your journey, and I hope – I pray – that whatever it was I was supposed to do for you, I did.

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I will miss you Little Things. You crazy, obnoxious, pains-in-the-ass and simply beautiful little things. Please, go in peace.

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47 thoughts on “Little Things

  1. I am reminded in situations like this that the Universe already knows what path will lead us where we need to be. Perhaps it was not about you t~ but about the Universe knowing you needed something as truly pure and beautiful as these “little things” to distract you through what was coming next. Maybe they are the gift to the giver that could not be seen until you were looking at it through a rear view mirror.

    Many hugZ…

  2. My mum was a foster parent for more than a decade, and a respite-care provider for at-risk families and teen parents since I was two years old. Which basically means, when I say this, there isn’t much blind about it: It really does work out in the end, t. Those little gifts of love, those little things, really do make the journey easier and more meaningful for the ones who have to take it. Whether or not they know it… well, I suspect God holds the market on that one. :-)

    • We were what is called “1017’s” – basically volunteer babysitters for the state. This meant we were told nothing, left to our own devices, and pretty much lost to the system if we didn’t keep bothering them. This did heighten the sense of “WTF????” about the whole thing, so your comments here help to ease my mind – thank you Desi!

  3. Troy, I know you will not believe me right now…So I’m going to whisper softly…. EVERYTHING happens at the exact moment it is suppose to! Remember faith is believing in something when there is absolutely no good reason you should!

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  7. Although some things in your life have come undone, the lives of these children have bee REdone. What you have gifted them with in the year they were with you, will follow them, but…and there is always a but…the time was good for going back to family so your work is done. Pickup your gold star on the way to the sitting room.

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  10. Troy, you’ve no idea the good you did for those children and the others in your life. You will continue to question your worth. It’s the kind of man you are. How you’re made. It is what makes you good. Don’t you get that? You will continue to strive for a perfection that you’ve already achieved.

    Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. The act is merely the intensity of your feelings spilling from your eyes….

    I am honored to know you. To be your sister and friend. I love you and someday I hope the Lord will give you a sign that you’ve done enough. That you are precious, loved and good. Because my darling, you are.

  11. Too late in life, I realized I should have been a nurse and a surrogate mother. But, maybe I was in the past or maybe I will be the next time…That you opened your heart and home to those in need blesses you with good karma, even though that was not your goal. You will have made a lasting impression on those children and enabled them to rise above the bad part of their little lives later on. .

  12. With all the little cruelties that life delivers, ambiguity and indifference to those who are suffering is one of the most pervasive. Even if all you did was offer an oasis of love and calm to young ones in the midst of the maelstrom, their formative years will remember that there was love, that there were people who cared, and they will remember. You’ve given them a great gift, trust me…

  13. t, you have been in my prayers, thoughts, wonder, and yes, tears, for weeks. I’ve been struggling with how to offer any comfort for the worry that my small words would not be large enough for your immense grief.

    Those two babies were beyond lucky to have your humongous heart in their life. Years from now, they will have the marks of your love whether they can physically remember it or not. Everytime they hug someone, cry for someone, or just feel love in their hearts, that will be from you. I promise.

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I won’t try to relate. I just want to say that, in a way from someone you haven’t ever met in person, I care deeply about you and hope the best for you from this terrible situation.

    • Sincerely, thank you Lance.

      If it helps, your prayers have been heard, my friend – I’m none too sure what exactly you threatened Him with, but they have been heard =)

  14. This is one of the most beautiful, touching posts t. You made me cry at your tenderness and love. You *know* you left a little bit of you with those two children right? They may never remember but you gave them a soft place to be while their mom got her own life together. As a mom, I know she has to be profoundly grateful for what you did for her and her children.

    • I’ve really got to stop making you cry Deb – they’re going to bring me up on charges.

      And hey, thank you for your words of encouragement as always =)

  15. Even though I have yet to meet you (T minus 4 days and counting), you’re empathy, you’re sense of compassion, generosity of your time and love, is astounding and so very refreshing. I’ve read everyone’s comments, and, quite honestly, I don’t know what else I can add to either help heal your pain or convince you that you are such a treasure in this cynical world. Hmmmm. God obviously knew that these “little things” needed you as much as (if not more than) you needed them in your life and in your heart. The timing was not coincidental. They reinforced your ability to love deeply and be loved magically (because a child’s love is always magical), of which you may have doubted. They will always remember your love and stability, even if they forget. The heart is a muscle – and, in the future, when times are tough for them, muscle memory will kick in to gear. You did that. And, if you accomplish nothing more in this life, then you accomplished a hell of a lot with these “little things”. Thank you for being “you”.

  16. This is lovely & heartfelt. No, they’ll never see the words, likely.

    The video was fantastic! My gosh, that guy’s voice…. Dreamy.

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